Sep 19

Its a saturday in my life

Right now its different…im in a sort of “fuck it” mood. I miss my baby. I’m bored, but excited (for what i have no idea), 

     I’ve been inside all day…pretending that ive been sick for the last two days…so i didnt have to go to school… cause of some shit thats been on my mind…somtimes we all need a day to lie and down ponder some shit…think about things…wonder why they happen… hope for the best and get a result…or a deviation from the path life was going along….now you have something you can look at like this or this or that or like she, he , it , like the fuckin dog, cat, turtle, if you where the president, if you where your bestfriend, if you where your mother, your father….there is just so many ways to take things in to see things that jump out on your rail….maybe like a confused child we somtimes look at others reactions to fill the empty slot for that scenario inside…if you never thought about death …then tommorow in the hospital bed some dude in a long white coat said that you wont live to love…you wont live to laugh again..you wont live to marry….and that youll be lucky to live to hear your moms shoes squeaking down the hall in the next 30 mins….youd have to look around wonder how to feel…how the fuck could you take it?

  If you havent already noticed…im the kind of kid who loves to figure things out ..to a ceritan degree….and funny thing is i only ask the questions that have no real answers cause then i could be as stong opinioned i want…be as passionate and it will live…it wont cumble like what i just said was wrong cause the correct answer is here. I want to understand myself…figure myself out….know my own mind as others have begun to understand it…see what other people see in me…looking from the outside all the time you want to see yourself through someonelses eyes. ..its one of my goals…and heres the thing…ill never fully figure myself out…the day I do is the day ive become the mental god.. so ill be occupied for life.

People say all the time “I dont care what people think of me” HA HA HA you are reallly fucking funny. I was one of those kids…I was the kid who would spew that bullshit all day long…dont get me wrong …some people could mean it…but 80% of those who say it are wrong…maybe they dont care what people thnk about their clothes, voice, face, hair…but them?…themselves?… if someone could look at my soul…and just saw every element that made my world the way it was…everything that is life for me…and went “psshh what a joke” id fuckin crumble. Now perhaps the example is exaggerated, so lets take it down a bit.

Personally i love this example …i dont know if it works for you but thats just all about opinion and outlook philosophy bullshit.

So imagine a world completely empty…no monsters like in i am legend…no dog to love …take care of….nobody…but still the need to survive …the need to believe you arent alone…With everything we do, and with everyone we see, we depend on other human beings that weve never met…. we are binded together we need to see people living ..functioning….to let us know that we arent alone…that we are all in the same boat…that we, as a species, as one can survive, that the fact that you are normal, comfortable…where you belong with other people around…but then take everyone off of the face of the earth……..if your world was completely empty… would you cry? would you really need to expression….there is no one to bounce back a reaction nothing to gauge your situation with whats normal…..

so really you do care what people think…even those who you dont know…dont care to know….you do.

Personally I believe that we all depend upon another in more ways that one. Perhaps we arent designed to be alone…nobody wants to be alone. We can hate all we want…hurt all we want…dissolve in our insecurity all we want.

but we want someone there in our world..someone to look in our mind and love it…be interested…we feel like we matter…

We want love folks…weve just gotta find the right one.

The Dude Dictionary

Okay this is a list of words/phrases and their dude definition. Justin, Phill, and I created this in math class (we were that bored) of Phill,and I’s 9th grade, and Justin’s 10th grade year…

some of the quotes are commentary in the book that we write in response to the words

(In order of when it was created)…(spelling I, almost, promise you is wrong but who cares its our dictionary we make spelling lol)…

Leiderhosen- suspender shorts wore by the germans…. or a state of awsomeness.

Zip code- area of the pants near the undergarments= you know what

Castopation- state of casteration or pain in the testicular area.

Mastication- chewing…..just sounds naughty

Plethora- alot of something

Douche bottle- bottle of douche…or a really unliked person

Shagg- just like in austin powers

Pussywillow- tree thingy…or a cowardly hippy

Haggot- a half faggot

Turdurken- half turkey, half chicken, half duck

Chlippopotomus- a chicken and a big thing

Fizzle- to stop paying attention to a girl/guy in order to make a unoticable break-up

Dangloodle- a dangily noodle

Quakjestion- a conjested duck or a very bad cooking of drugs…or engagement of relationship

Moobs- man boobs

Grimmyassnyuguh- A grimmy (stupid or stinky), ass (booty), nyuguh (ignorant mother F*****). Grimmy-ass-nigga

Truffle shuffle- a jiggle with a giggle

Puppy power- using dog blood as fuel

“LOL SWEET XD”

Nut hugger- midget that holds your jewels

“bowchicka….WTF?”

Jodie-Foster- a chick that talks like a man and flachulates alot…or a synonym for bullshit

Wemancipate- to throw ones love juices at a corporate building…discracing the building and glorifying that person, or to adopt or claim family (school family) by marriage (going out w someone) or the excessive action of intercourse ;)
example:
Dude I totally just wemancipated that ice cream truck!

Boggamahead- (made by someone at chess club in freshman year) a smart person who makes dumbass mistakes..or has shit for luck.

Winershnitzel- to spend time with your family ( school family, real family, or your girl)

Chicken pickle- sweet food, something fresh, or when animals get jiggy with it.

Mamma likes cookies- a term used in place of “oh god baby” or “YES!!” for sexual excitement or to express sexual pleasure… also used when really excited (innocently)

Sailors cough- when someone is high, sick, or insane

G-H-Jocker- A musician who only puts Guitar Hero or Rock Band songs in their set list

Jack- Penis

Quack..Rabbit- seeing someone in the nude “+)” “:]”

Slortch- whore/slut/bitch

Tiggle-bitty- bit o’l titty

Broke-back-stage- homo activities….behind the scenes

Littlee- being excessively little and cute

“adorable”

Welcome to the jungle- a male prostitute with crabs

Flappysack- Willam Wallace’s nuts

Daddy loves tacos- a term used for sexual gratification (for boys or dominant partners only) or a term to describe something you hate…when used in the right context

Bunny supurise- a bunny cake or a majic trick pants

Majic trick pants- one who can do mysterious wonder under his/her pants

David- a quickie…bang and get the F*** out

Gona-sypha-herpa-carble-aids- gonnoreah, syphallis, herpes, crabs, aids…combined

Dead men tell no tales- anybody who’s been in a “Kracken” who doesn’t want to discuss the horror they’ve seen in the abyss.

Broskiy- the Russian word for bro

Tsunami- a big penguin sized ejaculation….

“woah”

The dirty tomato- when you shit on a ginger kid

“haha we must”

Marzipan- cockfire…which is when something is amazing or when someone is sexy or does something excessively atractive, or arousal (you know what kind),mojo, love juice….or when you drop a duce…really cockfire or marzipan can mean anything its just mostly used to describe these things and things related.

Vroom Vroom party starter- (Obviously stolen from the commercial and given a definition) has relation to “marzipan” but more in place of phrases like “hey hey hey girl” or “hey pretty lady”. mostly common meaning is: a state of awsome partyness in a sexual manner.

Billyvarden-baruben-heizen- to express anger or to adress a “3” person “group.

The F word…Fear

Recently, i’ve found that fear is not what I thought it was.
It has so many other faces than the poster mask its given. I am familiar with may types of fear…as is everyone else.


 Some being easy to detect…like a hydrophobic trembling at the edge of the pool, or a mother looking at her son doing 95 on a road on a speedbike while its snowing driving into oncoming traffic on the 4 oklock news (ha ha).

Its the other less noticable fears or less experienced fears that really open your eyes.
Insecurity…usually driven by fear… lies within all of us (to my belief)  yet we rarely (depending on the level of insecurity) recognize that something is there…its the kind of fear that lies in the back of your mind…that you cant exactly diagnose…but you know its something that keeps you up somtimes. You know that sometimes you could hate so passionately…yet you could be oblivious to the fact that it may be driven by a kind of fear (Im seriously not trying to sound like Jim Cunningham…good job to D.Darko fans who caught that=)

 Even with a fear like youve never experienced a good may arise. Love can cause fear (this opposing the  Jim Cunningham BULLCRAP) and fear can cause or strengthen love. In the confusing maze of our minds, I believe, that one of the peices of the map through understanding ourselves, and one of the easiest to read would be fear, but it still confuses the hell outta me somtimes.

     I feel that fear is greatly misunderstood ….as if it were something bad…it can be bad….yet it can be good as well.

I guess to conclude this friggen essay from a 16 yo kid, I could say that personally fear plays a large role in my quest to figure myself out….fear can bring to the surface feelings from your heart that your mind cant decipher…therefore teaching me that your heart…and your mind may usually work together…they are completely different. I can say that fear can cause emotions (something I was begining to become completely detached from) to surface that is out of my minds league…To me fear is something that reminds me that the heart can overflow with passion…so much that  the heart can be understood much more clearly by the mind.


Idk i just was thinking about it….felt and thought something…and wanted to say it

Short compared to previous posts

Another from myspace…just wanted it on here

If youve read my previous couple of blogs…you know these are either for showing you wird definitions on words that are fun (or other weird crap) or its me yapping about myself.

I guess ill just list crap off…like random ideas untill i get something to say.

1: politics and religion are two best ways to start and arguement

2: I like to read and do 2-3 hours of recording comedy radio segments but for some reason i do both seldomly and when i do they consume most of my day.

3: Sherlock Holmes was addicted to cocaine (that shocked me when i heard that =(

For people close to me (and even those perhaps not) i like to show compassion and in some cases affection but then some really close i treat terrible at times…probably on of the bases behind my confusion…and im so sorry for that its just something i must understand before i can repair.

I often think of my future but sometimes it scares the hell outta me…probably cause i know that the direction im going could be (as an understatement) redirected for a better and easier future., but  as an arrogant feeling i think i can still pull off what i want without trying.. psshh

But all of this serious talk bores me sometimes … trying to get “deep” can be exausting and unnessicary at times. Humor and lightheartedness can be much more rewarding.

my though right now can be put as…”know when to laugh at yourself sometimes pal.. take a break from the scrunched brow and intensity”

so imma go be a bumb and listen to The Lonely Island and play games…damn im way too lazy. =)

Not too bad when you’ve got something to say

Well I was thinking of riping all of my blogs off of myspace but…I dont want to for some reason. so ill just give you the significant three starting with this one.

Strange how you can be so unsure at times for a multiple of things. Almost as if the sub part of your mind (dont know how to spell the damn word+) refuses to make a decision..or refuses to trust.

I would love to think that im not self obsessed but at times the sub part refuses to trust that thought. I would love to think i am not a drama lama, or that im selfless but the doubts, that probably many others experience, are there.
so here ill talk about me some more..for the hell of it.

Im one of those people that loves to have someone to show affection tward. Not in the manwhore way…but in even simple ways.. for a want that is driven by emotion which for me seems like an impossible task to explain.

If you where to ask some of the people who know me, who i am you could get several stories..or at least i feel you would.

One of them would be…a boy who pisses his oppertunities away..another could be a bitter frightened selfish sadistic bastard.

one could be a kid who strives to be different and another could be a kid who despises those who strive to be so unique…like everyone else are freaks.

one could say that im perceptive (god would i love for that to be true) some could say i was just saying that to appear not self obsessed or conceited…but trouble is that i really have no idea which voice to hear and which to smother.
 
At times i could really care less about others opinion on me and be comfortable with me…knowing i am not the things that i may be called but at other times I trick myself in trying to see from others eyes…i then question myself and look around me for the answer to who is controling me.

most of the time …recently that is i dont understand myself and even trying to conjure up the words that make sense and express how i feel… is a difficult task.
I have made the huge mistake of trying to shut out how i feel…and listen solely to what seems logical…and an even larger mistake is the fact that ive let myself become comfortable this way.

Emotions when excessive can be very unnessicary and irritating…im sure i can think of more than one who has seen me react to this.

but being emotionless is very deadly addictive and poisonous (cant spell).

It sucks rarely feeling thing that you should be feeling all the time.

idk
damn
my train of thought just got derailed. +)

Your very confused teen,
Zachashiest.
I just wanna be successfulDrake (Song “Successful”)